Hey, well informed news consumers. You’ve heard of all the big wars out there right now: Syria, Iraq, Ukraine, Christmas. But did you know there are lots of huge, terrible wars that never make the mainstream media? Come on! Let’s learn all about ‘em!
Central African Republic War
Atrocities: Lynching, cannibalism, rape, child soldiers, various machete-related crimes
Please compare this war to a band.
If this war were a band, it’d be Blitzen Trapper. If it were a comedian, it’d be Louis CK. In other words, it’s a real war aficionado’s war: Nobody’s heard of it but it’s got chops. Machete chops. Sorry.
Am I fighting in this war?
Unless you are a nomadic Muslim herder or a Christian farmer who is tired of getting macheted, you are probably not. The war in the Central African Republic is between two main groups – the Séléka militia, a group of armed rebel groups from the Muslim minority that overthrew the government in 2013, and the anti-balaka, which means “anti-machete,” a Christian militia that formed in response to Séléka aggression against Christians.
Christians, who make up 50% of the population, are largely sedentary farmers, while the 15% Muslim minority is mostly migratory cattle herders.
This sounds like that scene in “Oklahoma” where the farmers and the cowboys keep getting in fistfights.
I know, right?
Anti-Machete sounds like a position I agree with. Are those the good guys?
Not exactly. Since the Séléka coup, fighting and atrocities on both sides have spiraled out of control. In addition to opposing the Second Amendment right to bear machetes, the anti-balakas have also killed countless civilians themselves.
What’s being done to fix this?
Séléka President Michel Djotodia resigned this year after failing to curb the violence, and he’s been replaced with an interim President named Catherine Samba Panza. She seems nice, but hasn’t been able to completely curb it either.
International troops from France, the United Nations, and the African Union have been deployed to keep the peace, but it’s not really working. A lot of the “peacekeepers” are from over the border in Chad, and many of them were apparently members of the Seleka in the first place. Now they are in charge of protecting the people they were recently atrocity-ing.
That sounds bad.
Yeah. It’s like if you called 911 after your house got robbed and the cops who came were still carrying your flatscreen TV.
Will it get better?
Nothing gets better.
Tell me a fun fact about this war.
The government recently banned text messaging.
More wars you never heard of found HERE.
The classic ’60s hit Monster Mash is getting a revamp courtesy of Frankenstein. This time around, it’s poking fun at our favorite modern day horror flicks. Old-school Frank laments on the change from classic thrillers to over-the-top gore, and gets visited by a few freaky modern monsters, including Freddy Krueger, Hannibal Lecter, and the Human Centipede.
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”
So he continued: “Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?”
Secret Service Manual Updates
The Secret Service’s leader has resigned in the wake of a number of security failures, including an incident where a felon carrying a gun shared an elevator with President Obama, and another where a random guy got backstage by claiming falsely to be a congressman.
In response, the Secret Service has announced a number of changes to their policies, including the following.
- President’s guard detail will begin rotating bathroom breaks, instead of all going at the same time
- No more taking weekends off on the theory that “Malia’s got this”
- Replace current opaque sunglasses with see-through ones
- If a guy asks if he can hold your gun, you have to say no
- Update training manual to reflect that no, black presidents are not “too strong to be shot”
- All blind Secret Service agents must have their guide dogs with them at all times
- If someone tries to shoot the president, go check it out
- Stop letting people just walk up and high-five the president if they “look okay”
- Just because an agent can juggle, it doesn’t necessarily mean he or she should juggle
- Discharging of sidearms in a sort of arc pattern around the president at all times
- Explains that those sniffer dogs agents walk around with are not just to keep them from being lonely
- No, your buddy Clyde from the gym cannot pick up some hours as a sniper
- New morning pump-up chant: “who’s gonna keep the president alive? We gonna keep the president alive! Who’s gonna keep the president alive? I said we gonna keep the president alive!” then everybody clinks guns
- Remind everyone how embarrassed they’d be if the president got assassinated
WTF? Getting ready to clean the kitchen in a cocktail dress and 6 inch heels?