Great writing here on how to be a liberal. Be sure to read it all at Uncyclopedia.
This article is funny because it is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are an ignorant cultural philistine who does not recognise this without explanation. If you still do not find the article funny, that is probably because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. If you hadn’t been so ignorant, then you wouldn’t have needed to have the joke explained to you in the first place.
WARNING at least 10-12 % of what is written in this article is considered to be false. If you’re allergic to the truth (if you’re an American Liberal in other words) and are also allergic to Wikipedia-style citations and references with links to the awful truth, DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE! Uncyclopedia and the authors of this article cannot be held responsible for any damage, injury or liberal sissy fits and anal bleeding this article may cause. Classic Liberals and Liberals outside of the USA may not understand this or get all of the jokes, American Liberals are Neo-Liberals who practice Liberal Fascism  aka Communism and only pretend to be real Liberals.
This is an ever changing guide to how to be a liberal. It is often deleted by liberals and recreated at least twice a month, please see censorship for the reason why. Never the same page twice. Many have asked the question of just how does one become a liberal? This how-to guide will show you how.
How does one become a liberal, or rather how did liberalism come about? Around 3120 BC Liberalism was invented by Alfred Dinklelberry who had decided to use his whining and crying skills for monetary gain. He found that if he challenged governments by hating them, calling their leaders names, and protesting, and he wrote books, people would buy them. He later found that he could lead others in protests where they simply chant the same slogan over and over again until they get their way. He also found that by playing the blame game that he could blame others for his failures and get himself elected to government. The motto is Blame somebody else, which always works for liberals. Then if he just took up causes he did not believe in like environmentalism, peace, socialism, and so on, he could trick people into supporting him.
It is widely reported that the best part about being a liberal is that one gets to do whatever one wants in the name of equality. Since conservatives often claim that liberals hate freedom, liberals have to come with different excuses sometimes. To properly do this, one must write truckloads of snail mail letters on colored parchments and send them to important and not-so-important people. Fortunately, one will not be alone. One can join the ongoing letter writing campaign to Save the Forests for Lynching, which has been supported by the liberal parties across the globe for over two (2) months. Liberals find they can reach more people via blogs and forums and went to the Internet to bring about their whining. Usually blaming Neocons for tricking them into voting for unjust wars, or causing them to spend too much on credit cards so they couldn’t make house payments. Oh those evil Neocons and their brainwashing via Fox News.
Furthermore, the stalwarts of network TV, newspapers, cable TV, magazines, and schools assist in this War for Peace. It is their solemn duty to advocate their personal views no matter what may come. For those sheep following along at home, an absolute must is yelling loud enough to drown out the annoying cries of help from Third World countries. Together liberals can and do make a difference. If enough people yell lies about most of the world living in poverty and despair and that so-called comedy on the BBC is funny (just to give two examples of liberal lies), those lies will become the truth according to liberal thinking. The same is true of blogs, if enough people blog the same lies over and over again, they automatically become true. So liberals like to yell and post their arguments all over the Internet and Public, even if they are full of fallacies and are mostly fiction. Remember to keep repeating yourself, if you want to become a good liberal. Maybe they didn’t hear you the first thousand times, so yell louder and post it more on the Internet.
Yet another requirement for liberals is the concept of “equal-time”. Liberals want equal time, equal meaning more time than right-wingers get. In fact, equal time to liberals means that right-wingers should be silenced and impeached and all of the time given to liberals instead. The Psychology of liberals and other leftists cannot be ignored, they are violent and bring down progress.
Now do go and read it all! Uncyclopedia.
In this segment of his Virtual State of the Union, the Virtual President talks about why politicians want to talk about gun control rather than crime control, and delivers the factual evidence and historical truths that make the case for the Second Amendment self-evident.
WASHINGTON (BHN) – The release Wednesday of Michelle Obama’s second term portrait by the White House has brought a flurry of questions concerning its accuracy.
Many point to the First Lady’s more feminine arms, apparent breasts, and “less Klingon-like” forehead as evidence the photo was altered.
Spokesman Jay Carney admitted that “normal” airbrushing was done to the photo, but nothing more. Unfortunately his statement was later found to be less than truthful when the original photo was leaked by unidentified sources inside the administration (below).
Check it out HERE.
If you think the socialist overlord of the People’s Republic of New York is hard on gun owners, you should see the treatment unborn babies get. Christians who take their faith seriously don’t fare well under his rule either:
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo seeks to impose a radical new abortion regime on the state, one that goes far beyond the euphemistic byword “choice.” The bill would in fact limit many choices, for instance the choice of Catholic hospitals and other institutions with moral objections to decline to allow abortions to be performed in their facilities. It would limit the choices of organizations that counsel pregnant women if their counseling were held to be insufficiently enthusiastic about abortion. It would limit the choices of organizations that seek to help women in crisis without involving themselves in the politics of abortion.
But Cuomo’s “Reproductive Health Act” proves that sometimes even liberals can favor deregulation.
It would among other things allow persons other than physicians to perform abortions. That is an innovation borrowed from Jerry Brown’s California, where midwives and nurses are permitted to perform abortions. The State of New York will not permit a burly man to lift a box without a state permit to operate a moving company, but gynecological surgery apparently is to be considered a matter for immediate regulatory relief.
That’s because our liberal rulers don’t care whether boxes get lifted. They do care that abortions be performed — although they already are in great number.
Two in five pregnancies end in abortion in New York City; the rate for black women is 60 percent. The statewide figures are lower, but they are high enough. There are about 250 abortion clinics in the state, and 93 percent of the state’s women live in a county that is home to an abortion facility, according to the Guttmacher Institute. Nationally, abortion kills the equivalent of the combined populations of Atlanta and Cleveland every year. All that with no help from Governor Cuomo.
You couldn’t increase abortion access for New Yorkers without putting a baby butchery on every street corner. What then is the point?
The issue is political domination. The abortion party does not brook resistance, and it steadfastly seeks to ensure that everybody has a hand in its grisly business: taxpayers, employers, priests. All must be implicated. If a religious hospital declines to provide abortions, then it must be forced to do so. If a counseling center treats adoption as preferable to abortion, it will either change its mind or have its mind changed for it by the gentle persuasion of the State of New York.
Like the abortion provisions in the Patient Protection Act [a.k.a. ObamaCare], Governor Cuomo’s proposal is a gross assault on individual liberties.
As its avatars Cuomo and Obama have been making increasingly clear, at bottom leftism is tyranny for the sake of tyranny; evil for the sake of evil.
Egypt Denies US Investigators Access to Captured Benghazi Massacre Suspects Probably under orders from buck ofama and holder.
Sandra Fluke joins Planned Parenthood Think of all the free abortions she will get and all without leaving her office!
“It is one of the great ironies of modern history that socialism, which promises a more humane, caring, and equitable society, has consistently delivered a more oppressive and mismanaged one. Socialism’s motto— Muravchik optimistically offers it to us as socialism’s “epitaph”—turns out to be: “If you build it, they will leave.”
If, one must add, they are allowed to leave. As Muravchik reminds us in this excellent survey of socialist personalities and socialist experiments, encouraging dissent is never high on a socialist’s agenda. The socialist pretends to have glimpsed paradise on earth. Those who decline the invitation to embrace the vision are not just ungrateful: they are traitors to the cause of human perfection. Dissent is therefore not mere disagreement but treachery. Treachery is properly met not with arguments but (as circumstances permit) the guillotine, the concentration camp, the purge.”
…I see little evidence that socialism’s fundamental tenet—namely, the ideal of equality—is on its way to the dustbin of history. The wheels of egalitarianism may grind away more slowly in liberal democratic countries than in Communist ones, but grind away they do. It would be pleasant to think that in leaving history’s bloodiest century behind, we have also left behind the passions that sparked its unprecedented carnage. But time and again history has taught us that the hunger for equality is among mankind’s most brutal passions. It is for this reason that I believe the philosopher David Stove was correct when he identified “bloodthirstiness” as a central ingredient in the psychology of egalitarianism. Socialism will be conquered to the extent that egalitarianism is conquered. In the meanwhile, I fear that Stove is correct that “very far from communism being dead, as some foolish people at present believe, we can confidently look forward to bigger and better Marxes, Lenins, Stalins, Maos, Kim Il Sungs, Pol Pots, Ceausescus, Baader-Meinhofs, Shining Paths, and all the rest.” –Roger Kimball
The White House had sent out a mass email asking people to submit their stories of gun violence.
The stories are being displayed on this page:
The White House has made no mention of asking for stories where guns were used to save the lives of law abiding citizens (we have around 800 of them right here).
We encourage anyone whose life or the life of someone you know was saved by a gun to share it here: http://www.barackobama.com/stories/share-your-story
We’re sure they won’t make it to becoming publicly available, but it’s worth a shot.
From Guns Save Lives.
Plus Bob Owens take on this, so read HERE.
Check out her face book page HERE.