True Facts about The Great State of Texas

-You are legally required to say “The Great State of” before every utterance of the word Texas.

-Barbeque is a blood type.

-You are required to have a favorite football team and no, they don’t mean that stuff with the round ball.

-Fixin’ is a completely valid verb and it is spelled correctly.

-Austin is overrun by people from California and as such it is every native born son or daughter’s duty to complain about them.

-You will at some point in your time in The Great State of Texas come across a “Texas Truck” which is a brand new, white, double wide truck with oversized wheels and a lift kit that prominently displays a cross on the back window that may or may not be bedazzled. This truck will be driven by a woman with giant fried blond hair who will wear a bejeweled top with crosses on it.

-UT vs A&M is a Thing and even if you don’t get it you have to play along with it.

-There is really only one safe conversation topic in Texas. The Weather. Bring it up and everyone will heave a sigh of relief because we can all agree It Is Too Damn Hot.

-Speed limits are more like guidelines that actual laws.

-Except in Giddings. Fuck Giddings.

-Your children will either get shipped off to the Texas Renaissance Festival or Schlitterbahn at least once in their career as school children.

-There are multiple water parks called Schlitterbahn.

-No. I did not make that name up.

-Houston and Dallas like to pretend the other does not exist. San Antonio would like to remind everyone that they exist and they’re quite good at basketball.

-Austin is 2000% done with SXSW.

-It can take you three hours to drive from one side of Houston to the other if the traffic is particularly gnarly.

-The tumbleweeds live out west in Lubbock. They are carnivorous and you should run away from them at first sight.

-No one knows if Lubbock really exists or if it’s just a place the witness protection agency made up.

-East The Great State of Texas is apparently a lot like Louisiana, which is where beignets come from and your parents and grandparents go to gamble.

-The Great State of Texas can legally be split into 7 states and they would all argue over which one is the Real Texas.

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